KTV Don'ts

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Having seen all kinds of 恶心 behaviour in KTVs, I've decided to come
up with a few things that should not be done. Some are specifically
for guys, because I'm a guy mah. Different people have different
standards, so not everything is applicable. It's just for fun lah.

#1) Don't hog the mike! Unless your name is 孙燕姿, 刘德华, 王菲
or equivalent, you're not likely to be the star attraction. People
are not there just to hear you. Be nice. Pass the mike around.

#2) Don't grab the mike from someone! There's nothing more obnoxious
than cutting someone of right in the middle when he/she is singing,
no matter how bad his/her singing is. As explained in #1, you are
unlikely to be an expert either. Once there was this guy who was so
desperate to sing with a girl that he grabbed the mike from me and
shove it into the girl's face and ask her to sing. Yuck.

#3) Don't openly compete with other people! Most people go to KTV to
have fun, not to have a life and death match. Few things spoil my mood
as much as an idiot, while trying to impress a girl, starts to hog the
mike, sing super loudly, condemn other people, and just about commit
all the don'ts on this list. If it is necessary to impress a girl, the
appropriate action is to select a few songs that you're proficient in
that are of moderate to great difficulty so that your 情敌 is unable
to steal your show. Oh, and be gracious by offering the mike to your
rival, and hope that he doesn't know how to sing your song. Heh.

#4) Don't talk loudly when other people are singing! Everyone enjoys
an enthusiastic audience, or at least a silent audience. There is
nothing more irritating than having a bunch of people giggling,
shouting, or having an orgy while you're singing. If the intention is
to piss off your enemy/rival while he is singing, then this is
guaranteed to work, especially if you 乘机 talk to your mutual target.
Whether the girl thinks you're an ass is another matter.

#5) Don't condemn other people's singing! No matter how good you are,
as explained in #1, you're unlikely to be that good (why would you be
hiding in a KTV otherwise?). Instead, 闭关修炼 to impress your friends,
and crush your enemies.

#6) Don't select too many difficult songs! Examples of not-so-easy-to-
sing songs are high-pitched songs like 熊天平/许如云's 《你的眼睛》,
energy-sapping songs requiring a lot of breath like 任贤齐's 《伤心太平洋》,
or just plain impossibles like 周杰伦's 《半兽人》. One or two to impress
is good. Too many will leave you exhausted or with a sore throat. Even
worse, you can really malu yourself if you're not up to standard.

#7) Don't select songs no one has heard of! You'll just end up singing
everything by yourself and boring everyone. This includes songs of the
"wrong" generation, like singing "Wu Yia Bo" with a group of sec 3 ghinas
or 中国娃娃's 《单眼皮女生》 when you're with Ah Pehs and Ah Sohs.

#8) Don't be boring! After singing 5 邓丽君's songs, it might be a good
idea to observe the reaction on your friends' faces, and switch if
necessary. Offer words of encouragement, and laugh when someone tries
something funny. Try funny things like singing za bor songs with falsetto
voice, and choke at difficult parts. 《北京一夜》is good for playing a
fool. 阿牛's 《对面的女孩看过来》is always a favourite. We all like to laugh
once in a while.

#9) Don't dehydrate! Drink lots of water and remember to eat your veggies.

That's all folks! I'll add some more if I come up with new stuff. Email
comments/suggestions to me.